14.9 Million.

That is the amount of human beings who watched ”Hatfields & McCoys” – The History Channel’s first foray into scripted drama. A record for non-basic cable television. After launching The History Channel was soon bored with actual history and delved into reality TV. When reality TV overfilled their golden purses, they realized scripted television was their next natural progression.

I expect the SEC Network to follow the same playbook.

Televising collegiate athletics constantly is a cute concept, but we are in this for money. “Hatfields & McCoys” is G6 money. “CSI: Tuscaloosa” is G6 money. “Vandy vs. Mizzou” will cover one leg of a Southwest flight into Northwest Florida Beaches International Airport. Little else.

Think of this, the M in MTV no longer stands for music. There’s no money in just that crap. That is why The SEC in SEC Network will soon mean: SOUTHERN ENTERTAINMENT CENTER Network. Why limit yourself to just sports? Especially banking on something like American football which will be outlawed thanks to pro-soccer lobbyists within the next five years.

As Bunkie Perkins has already expertly laid out the first round of reality heavy content, when that “done blows up” consider this your first scripted, high-concept television pitch meeting, Mr. Slive. I’m going to make this easy for you and schedule out your inaugural fall lineup. Steal any of these ideas without paying us our due and we will sue you for all your trillions.

SUNDAY IS FOR DRAMA:

9:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. Game of Bros – synopsis: Florida students plot and scheme their way to a faux leather throne as Student Body President.

10:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m. - REALLY LOST – synopsis: A plane crash strands a ragtag group of survivors in Starkville, MS.

METH MONDAY:

11:00 p.m. – 12:00 a.m. (begins when Oxford bars close) - Breaking Tad – synopsis: An Ole Miss student and former employee brew meth under the bowels of the Tad Smith Coliseum to pay tuition and cell phone bills.

CRIMINAL TUESDAYS:

8:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. - The McGregors – synopsis: The Sopranos at an East Alabama dog track.

9:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m. - CSI: Tuscaloosa – synopsis: “Looks like this ticket to Dreamland was a one way… YEAOWWWW!”

LUSTY WEDNESDAYS:

9:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. - Bag Men – synopsis: Chronicling the hard drinking and womanizing world of SEC bag men in the 50s and 60s.

10:00 p.m. – 11:00 p.m. - Sons of Adultery – synopsis: Bob Petrino is the leader of a horny bike gang in Northwest, Arkansas.

FUNNY FHURSDAYS:

7:30 p.m. – 8:00 p.m. – Big BOOM MOTHER $&#KA Theory – synopsis: Comedy about a recently graduated Will Muschamp sharing an apartment with nerds.

8:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. - 30 Cock – synopsis: Follows a cast of South Carolina students who put on a weekly Student Access variety skit show

9:00 p.m. – 9:30 pm. - Yeah I Met Your Mother – synopsis: A radio talk show caller strikes up an unlikely relationship with Barbara Dooley.

9:30 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. - Premodern Family – synopsis: Family of cousins in Nowhere Kentucky struggle to find balance between family and fandom.

Midseason replacement – Commodore Town – synopsis: The mishaps of attractive forty something coaches wives in a middle Tennessee resort town.

SATURDAY MORNING… FOR THE KIDS:

8:00 a.m. – 8:30 a.m. - Hannah Georgiana – synopsis: An unassuming football Coach named Mark leads a double life as an international pop star.

8:30 a.m. – 9:30 a.m. - Lester – sysnopsis: A man daylights as SEC Football coach, twilights as serial killer of players who sign elsewhere.

@thejuiceisgood